countdown.

starting to feel myself a bit back to normal. one week until the final exam and they day after -- scotland! och.

tonight i cried.

because he has zero motivation.

because worse things have come out of his mouth.

because i'm going through the same thing.

why can't we talk about this? why can't we talk about things that are important? why does life stretch on and on with no end, and no happy ending? i hate i hate i hate i hate living. and i'm sure i'll laugh at this tomorrow, but right now it sure seems real.

cassini

and out with it! maybe you've all been wondering. wanting to know. is she? is he? are they? and now i'm here to tell you. i've found him, and his name is horizon. i searched for him, and his name is void. i chased him, and his name is remorse. i caught him, and his name is safety. he slipped away, and his name is sattelite. softly and fleeting, a kiss sitting on my tongue, shimmering, i lost him in the night sky. i tried to see him with another, failed, and saw him in my mind's eye, breaking free of the stars and crashing to earth again. "did you feel the earth shake?" he asked. naturally i did! the kiss slides down my throat, i'm swallowing. a sattelite? nay, mars has fastened itself glimmering, onto me, it has lost itself in my familiar terrain. i need a map to find my way through these early hours, alone. my head is not my own, and it's reclamation is in order. i'll put it off until tomorrow. leave uncharted territory cold and virgin. when i wake tomorrow the snow will have fallen and it will be new and foreign again anyway.

skateboards, one-liners and popularity

the italian library lady who reads cat in the hat in italian to american kids giggled herself silly over my homemade shirt.

i picked up "the house of scorpion" by Nancy Farmer to add to my reading list. i am currently reading:

"the fabric of the cosmos" Brian Greene
"merlin" Stephen Lawhead
"the hostile hospital" Lemony Snicket
"harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban" J K Rowling
"the universe and the teacup: the mathematics of truth and beauty" K C Cole
"C++ data structures" Dale and Teague
"JavaScript" O'Reilley

why can't i stick to one at a time? heck if i know. i've finished a lot of books in the last few weeks, though. "taliesen" (stephen lawhead), "the secret life of bees" (bea carlton) and several others i can't remember. i love these times, though. and i love the feeling of reading the last page of a book. it's almost as lovely as that first opening, the smell of the book, the way it's covers bend or crack or give in your hands. and then that feeling of closure when you introduce the covers with no bent pages or bookmarks between... that closure that is such a mystery to me in everyday life now present at the very end. i wonder if death will feel the same way... someone will take out all of my bookmarks, and i'll realize that my book is closed. i hope i don't have one of those garish red leather covers with the gold embossing.

jake sent me a one-line email today that embarassed me and got me all excited and flustery. he always manages to do that... so now i'm walking a few inches off the pavement again and plotting my reply.

i wished today (again) that i could skateboard. it would make things so much faster! the idea has crossed my mind a hundred times... and it makes so much sense. i'd drive less, i'm sure. although the idea of me jumping on and riding down to baiano is so scary i giggle every time... i know jake rode halfway down with john on the same board, but i know i'd hit the cartoloria and have to be peeled off with a spatula. maybe one day, though. for transportation.

and now i have been bestowed with the honor above all honors... my 15-year-old sister, who is and always has been cooler than i, has invited me to sit with her at lunch in the high school. the idea is approched with no less than serious trepidation, as high school was not exactly a jolly time for me, but the thought of two-dollar pasta is an exciting one. plus, i've got an automatic in, as my cello-playing, hoodie-wearing, uber-smart sister will be along.

music: NONE, i'm in the library. so, babies crying, keyboards and the sound of people furiously reading...